We Need to Talk
A Survival Guide for Tough Conversations
Drawing from psychology, neuroscience, and years of real-world experience, We Need to Talk provides a practical framework for navigating difficult conversations with confidence and empathy. Whether you’re dealing with workplace conflicts, team dynamics, or challenging personal discussions, this book equips you with the tools to transform confrontational situations into opportunities for growth and understanding. No scripts, no shortcuts—just proven strategies that work.
Who Should Read This Book
If you work with other humans, this book is for you. Whether you’re a leader trying to build psychological safety on your team, an individual contributor navigating tricky workplace dynamics, or someone who wants to get better at having hard conversations, you’ll find practical tools here. While the examples come primarily from technology and creative fields, the framework works across industries and various roles. You’ll learn how to transform potentially confrontational situations into opportunities for growth and understanding, all while staying true to your authentic communication style. This isn’t about becoming a conflict expert—it’s about you feeling confident and capable when those inevitable tough conversations arise.
Takeaways
- Learn the core principles underlying difficult conversations.
- Delve into how your brain processes conflict.
- Study a multitude of techniques for maintaining psychological safety.
- Learn to apply practical solutions to solving real-world problems.
- Practice handling difficult conversations in your own authentic way.
- Figure out specific techniques for staying centered, asking the right questions, and keeping your cool when caught off guard.
- Learn how to navigate the tricky waters of conflict when you don’t agree with your boss.
- Study de-escalation techniques for a tense situation in order to guide conversations back to productive territory.
- Say no and mean it!
Drawing from psychology, neuroscience, and years of real-world experience, We Need to Talk provides a practical framework for navigating difficult conversations with confidence and empathy. Whether you’re dealing with workplace conflicts, team dynamics, or challenging personal discussions, this book equips you with the tools to transform confrontational situations into opportunities for growth and understanding. No scripts, no shortcuts—just proven strategies that work.
Who Should Read This Book
If you work with other humans, this book is for you. Whether you’re a leader trying to build psychological safety on your team, an individual contributor navigating tricky workplace dynamics, or someone who wants to get better at having hard conversations, you’ll find practical tools here. While the examples come primarily from technology and creative fields, the framework works across industries and various roles. You’ll learn how to transform potentially confrontational situations into opportunities for growth and understanding, all while staying true to your authentic communication style. This isn’t about becoming a conflict expert—it’s about you feeling confident and capable when those inevitable tough conversations arise.
Takeaways
- Learn the core principles underlying difficult conversations.
- Delve into how your brain processes conflict.
- Study a multitude of techniques for maintaining psychological safety.
- Learn to apply practical solutions to solving real-world problems.
- Practice handling difficult conversations in your own authentic way.
- Figure out specific techniques for staying centered, asking the right questions, and keeping your cool when caught off guard.
- Learn how to navigate the tricky waters of conflict when you don’t agree with your boss.
- Study de-escalation techniques for a tense situation in order to guide conversations back to productive territory.
- Say no and mean it!
Testimonials
Joshua Graves empowers us to face our most challenging and necessary conversations by first understanding our own brains. A wise and much-needed book that will give you practical communication skills for work and life.
—Katrina Alcorn
Product and design executive and author
We Need to Talk is an essential read for anyone in the tech industry. Conflict is an inevitable part of collaborating with others, even though we often instinctively try to avoid it. This book offers a fresh perspective on navigating thorny conversations effectively, using kindness, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness to foster psychological safety and empathy, guiding yourself and others toward a shared sense of success.
—Kaity Hallman
Senior web engineer at Spotify
I found myself rethinking past conversations with a new lens. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to improve how they communicate under pressure. I loved the mix of personal anecdotes and actionable advice—I only wish I could have read it sooner.
—Chay Land
Independent product designer
Joshua’s deep understanding of conflict resolution and gift for rebuilding trust across teams makes him the perfect person to write this guide. Through real stories and a practical framework, he shows how to turn tense situations into opportunities for genuine understanding. This isn’t just another book about workplace communication—it’s an essential guide for anyone who wants to approach difficult conversations with confidence, clarity, and care.
—Bryan Zug
DesignOps manager
We Need to Talk is a master class in navigating the conversations most managers dread but absolutely need to have. No one teaches you how to face these moments of conflict and collaboration, yet they are at the heart of great leadership and teamwork. This book is not just about strategies—it’s about reshaping your relationship with conflict. It transforms ‘hard conversations’ from stress-inducing moments into opportunities for growth, trust, and real connection.
—Bill Carlson
Design leader
After the first chapter I had to pause. I said to myself, ‘Is this written for me personally?’ How did Josh know I needed to undo a lifetime of conflict avoidance? This book has real tools and techniques that will change how you think about conflict, uncomfortable topics, and your reactions to them. If you want to be an intentional, powerful communicator, then this book is going to give you real-life examples and framing to accomplish just that.
—Julie Froelich
Design leader at Azibo
Whether you’re a manager, individual contributor, or someone who wants to improve how they handle workplace tensions, this book offers the tools and confidence needed to tackle hard conversations effectively. A must-read for building stronger, more resilient professional relationships in today’s complex work environment.
—Lucas Dickey
Founder, Fernish and DeepCast
This isn’t about being nice—nice got us into this mess! Instead, Josh shows how kindness (the real stuff) and a clever framework called the ‘Conversation Pyramid’ can turn even the choppiest waters into smoother sailing. You’ll learn how to approach conflict with confidence, build trust, and maybe even crack a smile along the way. So, whether you’re dreading a tricky chat with your boss, your partner, or that one friend who always ‘forgets’ their wallet, We Need to Talk will give you the tools to talk it out without losing your mind—or your cool.
—Carlos Salazar
Independent product designer
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Before the Conversation
Chapter 2: Having the Conversation
Chapter 3: People Losing Control
Chapter 4: Lying and Gaslighting
Chapter 5: Conflict with Your Boss
Chapter 6: Conflict on Remote Teams
Chapter 7: Bad Blood
Chapter 8: Offensive Jokes and Microaggressions
Chapter 9: Disrespecting Boundaries
Chapter 10: Understanding Cultural Dynamics
Chapter 11: Unmet Expectations
Chapter 12: Staying Strong When People Are Being Pushy
Chapter 13: When They Make Ludicrous Requests
Chapter 14: How to Work with People Who Hate Change
Chapter 15: How to Receive Feedback
Chapter 16: Addressing Pay Inequality
Chapter 15: How to Know if You Should Avoid a Conversation
Chapter 17: How to Build Psychological Safety on Your Team
Chapter 18: When You Don’t Have Time to Prepare
Chapter 19: When You Can’t Agree
Chapter 20: Mediating with Multiple People
FAQ
These common questions and their short answers are taken from Joshua Graves’s book We Need to Talk. You can find longer answers to each in your copy of the book, either printed or digital version.
Will this book give me scripts to follow for tough conversations?
No. There are no rigid scripts here (they never work in real life any-way). Instead, you’ll get a flexible framework and practical tools you can adapt to any situation. Think of it as building your own conversational toolbox rather than following someone else’s playbook.
What if someone springs a tough conversation on me out of nowhere?
You don’t always get the luxury of preparation. Don’t worry—this book teaches you specific techniques for staying centered, asking the right questions, and keeping your cool when caught off guard.
How do I deal with someone who gets defensive or emotional?
In short: psychological safety and redirection. You’ll learn practical ways to de-escalate tension and guide things back to productive territory.
What happens when we just can’t see eye-to-eye?
Not every conversation will end in agreement, and that’s okay. What matters is finding a way forward while keeping the relationship intact.
Read a sample chapter
This is a sample chapter from Joshua Graves’s book We Need to Talk: A Survival Guide for Tough Conversations. 2025, Rosenfeld Media.
Chapter 1: Before the Conversation
This chapter guides you through the left side of the Conversation Pyramid (see Figure 1.1), which focuses on everything prior to the conversation you’ll have with the other person. It gets you in the right mindset, straightens out your story, and helps you define outcomes for your conversation
