Session notes: Lessons from a Toxic Work Relationship

Darian Davis, Senior Experience Designer at Think Company shared an intimate fireside chat titled “Lessons from a Toxic Work Relationship.” Using only his video presence and voice, he took attendees on a six-month-long project when he was embedded as a consultant UX Designer for a business platform.
His primary product partner, whom he referred to as “Jeff”, was notorious for being challenging to work with. After receiving a series of sympathy pats and good luck wishes from colleagues, Darian prepared for the worst.

“Why me?”

Unfortunately, Jeff turned out to be stubborn and challenging to work with–just as all of Darian’s colleagues described. Each day, Darian felt on-edge from receiving constant criticism combined with unrealistic deadlines. Sady, this is a common struggle for many designers embedded in client projects.

3 Strategies for alleviating toxic behavior

1. Observe and ask questions

When receiving harsh or generic feedback, resist the urge to grow defensive or dismissive, and demonstrate empathy. Show a willingness to learn in the face of frustration. In the case of the toxic collaborator, Jeff, it turns out he was very nervous about the development team’s capacity. Darian only learned this by observing Jeff’s concerns and asking questions. This also set the boundary that it’s not fair to offer criticism without rationale.

2. Appeal to their best interests

Upon realizing that timeline was Jeff’s primary concern, Darian connected with his mentor and developed a comprehensive roadmap that plotted project deadlines and critical checkpoints on design decisions along the way while providing enough time for developers to implement meaningful changes. This helped mitigate the dreaded “when will this be done?” question. Instead, the roadmap enabled the team to overcome anxiety about deadlines and instead focus on creating better user experiences. No more cycle of endless reviews.

This improved scenario was all made possible by finding common ground. By appealing to a stakeholder’s interests and concerns rather than one’s own concerns. This strategy also created trust and rapport.

3. Promote accountability

Lastly, Darian began creating presentation decks or reading notes about decision points from previous meetings. This helped address the issue of constantly changing deadlines and scope of work. This activity generated accountability and reduced churn. It also promoted meaningful conversations amongst the team. Creating a record of progress creates accountability for words and decisions. It becomes a source of truth.

Wins from experiencing a toxic work relationship

1. Creating a standard framework of work expectations

You can carry this framework and documentation to future clients, making modifications as needed.

2. The habit of crafting a single source of truth

Which will serve as a record for every emergency, disaster, success, and celebration. Enjoy a record that helps you and your team understand what led to product outcome.

“What if I’m the cause of toxic work relationships?”

Now here’s a thought: what if you are the toxic collaborator? Here are tips for personal development:

1. Be aware

Evaluate and recognize consistent toxic behavior. Common examples include

  • Glory seeking: putting oneself in a better light at the expense of teammates or presenting others’ work as your own
  • Aggression: talking over others or barraging members over tasks

2. Take action

Accept responsibility and maintain ownership.

  • Apologize for the behavior
  • Ask for regular feedback from teammates
  • Build a strategy to improve: think of steps you can take + what to start/stop doing

3. Engage in accountability

Create a network of trusted advisors, mentors, and teammates

  • Ask candidly about their observations of your behavior
  • Embrace fresh perspective
  • Enjoy their encouragement and support

As consultants, we don’t always know who we’ll work with

But if we create guardrails for a culture of empathy and respect, it increases the chances that the project will meet deadlines AND satisfy users. Personalities clash and relationships can grow toxic–it doesn’t mean we have to lose passion or productivity.